Fangirl
by Neo Diji
Summary: A whole new way of looking at the term Fangirl. Pure humor fic. No pairings. Rated for mild language and joke references.


Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. Or anything of value. (Really.)

Pure crack fic. Humor. Don't take Fangirl bashing seriously…I'm bashing myself, here, too. Just give it a chance and try to find the humor. xD

No pairings, though there are references…you'll see.

Originally posted 1/17/06.

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"Fangirl"

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To be fair, the Colonel had warned him about venturing into the military basements. Just recently, the authorities had apprehended what the press deemed the worst of all possible nightmares, an inhuman monster that fed off the torment and embarrassment of others. It was said that the creature targeted males in specific, using large numbers to corner its prey before pouncing. But this creature that had been stowed in the darkest reaches of Central Headquarters was, supposedly, an entirely different breed. Of the extreme kind.

The thing that had intrigued the eldest Elric brother, hence motivating this fearless venture into the unknown, was that even with all the horrifying descriptions, nobody ever said what the creature was supposed to _be_. Ed knew what the thing was capable of, thanks to the propaganda and military-issued warnings, but he'd need to know what to be aware of out on the street. What if he and Al came across the monster in some foreign place, and he didn't even recognize the threat because of his own ignorance?

No, Edward Elric _would_ find out what lurked behind the heavily locked door, no matter what. He was just bewildered when he finally reached the dungeon set aside for the "biggest terror to hit Central since RPGs"—only because there didn't seem to be anything worth seeing in the dim cell. There was no form, human or beast, that was hunched anywhere in sight. No frothing, drooling menace leaping against the door with wild abandon. Nothing to indicate that the military wasn't just making up an excuse to instill fear into the citizens of Amestris.

In fact, there wasn't anything in the special prison at all. Only a small hand-held fan sitting in the corner.

"Hello?" The Fullmetal called out demandingly, wanting to be sure that nobody was residing in the cell where the rumors indicated the monster to be. "Is anybody down here?"

After a few seconds of terse silence, the fan shifted in its corner and hopped over to the slightly open door. "Ed…ward Elric?" it asked, more like squealed.

The blond, arms waving madly from the instant shock, fell down and crawled backwards as fast as he could go, until there was some distance between himself and the Fan. 'Fan' being capitalized since it talked, hence meaning it had an identity of some sort. "Who are you?" Ed asked, rather hotly. " _What_ are you? Did someone attach your soul to that fan? Are you the result of human transmutation? _Answer_ me, dammit!"

'Fan' made a pitying noise somewhere, since it obviously didn't have a throat. "Edo!" it piped up again, following the crouched blond. "I'm such a big fan!"

"Uh, no you aren't," Ed remarked, a bit dryly.

The supposed inanimate object stopped jumping, partly because its electric cord had stretched to its limit, but more likely because the alchemist's words had such a tremendous effect on its attitude and ego. "I'd think you of all people would know not to insinuate…insinuate that I'm… _small_ …" it wailed in an eruption that made Ed clasp his hands over his ears.

The blond narrowed his golden eyes at the fan once it quieted down. "How do you know so much about me?" Granted, it wasn't hard to know that the Fullmetal Alchemist always overreacted to "short jokes," but given the situation, Ed was a bit freaked out. "And you still haven't told me who you are!" he reminded the thing in his best "I'm-a-prodigy-State-Alchemist-and-I'll-kick-your-ass" tone of voice.

Sighing (was it a longing sigh at witnessing something only imagined in dreams?), the fan answered. "I know _everything_ about you, Edward. From your innermost desires to the color underwear you have on at this moment. Never underestimate the knowledge of a fangirl. And that's who I am, by the way. A Fan Girl."

Edward blushed incredibly from her answer before silently encouraging the fan to continue speaking, waving his hand in a "go on" gesture.

Fan Girl hopped in what could be considered a nod. "I was once a teenage girl. Obsessed with most things my friends were: anime, chibis, manga, yaoi, making shrines to my favorite characters whom I wanted to marry, the works. But then one day I was just looking at yaoi pictures and a blue crackle of alchemy energy suddenly…turned me into a chimera! I'm part Fan, part Girl!"

Ed blinked. "So you've been fused with a _fan?_ And that's why you're a 'Fan Girl' ?"

Fan Girl continued as if the blond had never spoken, as it—she—was too thrilled to even be talking to one of her anime idols in the first place. "It was so horrible, Edward! All the kids at school used to insult me by shouting 'Fangirl! Fangirl!' at me as they walked by my house… I guess the alchemist who fused me with a fan wanted to give me a severe and literal punishment."

The Fullmetal only nodded once, briefly. "Uh huh. So then, why are you _here_? At Central HQ?"

Fan Girl shook; Ed seriously wondered if the thing had batteries and if the fan-girl was having some short of electric shock. "You mean I'm at _Central_?" she squeaked; Ed knew that if the depraved girl had eyes, they would be wide with excitement. At the alchemist's affirmative nod, Fan continued, "That means _Colonel Mustang_ is nearby! AAAIIIEEEEEE!"

Edward again covered his ears to protect his hearing. "What the hell!" he shouted, restraining himself from kicking the irritating device. "Who cares where that bastard is, anyway?" he snorted.

Fan shrieked. "Oh! It's just like in all the fanfiction I read where you're secretly attracted to him!"

"To _Mustang_?" the blond screeched in horror. "It's really true that you're the bane of my existence! Who knew propaganda could ever tell the entire truth?" Ed screamed, agonized by the implications.

Fan Girl did its little hop-nod thing. "Of course! Can you take me to meet him? Huh? HUH? I need to somehow find a way to hug him to death!"

"The 'to death' part sounds appealing," Ed muttered. "But even I wouldn't set _you_ on Mustang! That's the worst thing I could do; even _he_ doesn't deserve that kind of punishment!" The young alchemist climbed warily to his feet, taking a few steps towards the exiting stairs. In a voice that could have been taken as sarcasm by anyone but Fan Girl (who took it literally), he called over his shoulder, "I'm going to go find that bastard Colonel or my innocent little brother now and do inappropriate things with them."

Fan Girl, with her blades whirring incessantly from enthusiastic exhilaration, squealed and jumped up and down on the cool basement floor. "Ooooh! Together? At the same _time_? Let me watch! Let me watch!" So squealing, the fangirl, too involved in her eagerness to rush at Edward, impatiently tugged her cord out of its plug and lay still.

And thus died the legend of Fan Girl.

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 **Important** – I mean no disrespect to any and all fangirls. I, myself, can be considered a fangirl—so I'm insulting myself just as much. I just couldn't get rid of this idea and all the humor possibilities. No disrespect meant to RPG games, also. (Love those. xD)


End file.
